MY WAKE-UP CALL ON TOXIC PRODUCTIVITY
Honestly, the hustle feels like a lie, and it’s time to seriously chill out.
Let me guess: you made a to-do list before bed last night. You have multiple tabs open right now - a couple for work, a couple targeted at something you’re doing for ‘fun’, but is just oh, so conveniently building some kind of skillset, and altogether they are making your laptop fan run at decibels that rival a jet plane. Then there is your full calendar, an overflowing inbox, and somehow even the idea of ‘resting’ feels like a task that needs to be optimized to the fullest.
Hello, welcome to my club and the deep, deep, hard-to-escape clutches of toxic productivity.
I truthfully didn’t know this was a thing, nor did I know I was even there until I hit the wall, suddenly saw an article from Vogue on the subject in my inbox, and it just clicked. This isn’t the typical burnout wall, the one that has just become so familiar and almost expected after the pandemic, but more so a scary, much deeper one. I’m talking about the level where you start questioning what rest even is and if your worth is tied so tightly to output that, without doing something at all times, you feel like nothing.
What Is Toxic Productivity?
Toxic productivity is a compulsion to be constantly busy and productive at all times, to the point that it often comes at the expense of your physical, emotional, and mental health. It’s a type of productivity that doesn’t come from a place of passion or purpose, but more from a place of pressure, fear, and, unfortunately, guilt.
Unlike healthy productivity, where you can get stuff done and still live a fulfilling, happy life, toxic productivity masquerades as drive and even discipline. It makes you feel like even taking a small break is failing, like slowing down is laziness, and like saying no is a personal defect that must be fixed. It’s a gigantic bummer, and sadly, something many will take advantage of and use to their advantage.
Who Is Most At Risk?
To be real: not everyone is wired for this absolute madness. There are plenty of people who, to quote Abbott Elementary’s Barbara, “I do my job. I go home,” or who can just put life things or responsibilities off for another day. But for others, like me, fellow eldest daughters, overachievers, perfectionists, people-pleasers, and the like, this brand of self-destruction feels pretty normal; almost natural even.
Say yes to everything because you don’t want to let anyone down.
Feel guilty for resting, even when our bodies are begging for it.
Tie self-worth to achievements, job titles, and just being busy.
Can’t sit still without feeling like we are falling behind.
Sound familiar?
I don’t even want to think about the number of times over the past 6 months I’ve told my mother how ‘behind’ I am on everything, and yet surely none of it was actually that important. Of course, this isn’t atypical and happens a lot in high-pressure environments like the corporate world and creative industries, but it’s been made worse by the idea of ‘hustle culture’ and social media. And please, don’t even mention the thought leaders on LinkedIn who need to remind you on a daily basis to ‘grind’ like it’s a virtue.
The Cost of Always Doing
I had to learn this one the hard way, not only because I had no idea productivity could reach unhealthy levels, but because my health has taken a significant beating.
Health: Stress is not a badge of honor. It wrecked my sleep, my cortisol went haywire, and I started feeling like a shell of a human every day by 3 PM. I normalized getting headaches, I’d skip meals, and pretty much ran on anxiety.
Relationships: When you’re always busy, people stop reaching out, or even worse, you stop reaching out to others. Everything and everyone starts to feel like a task or something I can just ‘deal with later,’ only to forget 10 minutes later. And forget romantic relationships.
Creativity: The irony? The more stressed I got and the more I pushed, the less inspired I became - which you may have noticed on this blog and the lack of posting. It just seemed like no matter what I attempted to produce, I was not happy with. It didn’t just steal my energy, but it stole my joy and excitement for this (and other) creative outlets.
Identity: This one hurt the most. I have no idea who I am anymore. My calendar was full of stuff, but was it meaningful, important stuff, or just obligations and things I needed to handle because I just couldn’t stop and say no? I also found myself questioning every little thing about myself, every negative comment, and worrying about every move I made and how it would/could be interpreted.
How to Protect Yourself - From Yourself
Here’s what I had to learn slowly through conversations, therapists, and doctors that are still ongoing (because trying to retrain behavior is a process).
Redefine Worth - You are not your output. You are allowed to exist without producing or serving others every whim. Do one thing a day purely for joy with no outcome attached and just for you.
Be Intentional with Rest - Rest isn’t a reward, and it’s necessary. Schedule it on your calendar if you have to. Treat it like any other non-negotiable meeting or event. Don’t multitask during it either. My current favorite is enjoying 10 to 15 minutes away from any device and drinking a glass of water (another problem that needs solving).
Notice the Guilt and Push Back On It - Why should you feel guilty for doing nothing? Next time, ask yourself: Who told me that nothing is bad? It’s usually a voice from the past, not a truth, and what does the guilt really get you? Subpar effort into something that could have waited.
Say No More Often - People will respect your boundaries when you set them. They will survive. Even if you were raised to believe otherwise, you can say no lovingly or with the best of intentions and still be a good friend, daughter, partner, coworker, etc.
Get the Hell off Social Media - Nothing about social media is real, first off, and second, the amount of productivity content online is exhausting. Every time someone is posting their perfect routine or something you envy, remind yourself it’s curated. It’s not real life. You’re doing fine all on your own.
Therapy, babe - It can be uncomfortable and difficult, but therapy is going to make a world of difference. Especially if your need to be constantly productive or solve problems is rooted in childhood pressure or people-pleasing. You know, just eldest daughter stuff.
I feel funny even writing this because it feels a little crazy to say being productive is a bad thing, or like something is so inherently wrong with me. But I’m not the only one experiencing it, and frankly, it's pretty sneaky. It gets in the way of ambition, it makes everything feel like a responsibility, and it just leads to unnecessary chaos. Sometimes it’s okay to just be, to just exist, and frankly, to have fun. Being human means being vulnerable, soft, messy, and all these other things while still being enough. I will never forget the first time someone stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why I felt guilty for having fun while casually mentioning that I might feel less guilty and have less anxiety after things if I just embraced fun to begin with.
The Moral of the Story?
I’m still in the process of unlearning this. I don’t think it’s easy. I don’t think I’m magically cured. I certainly fear falling back into the pattern at a moment’s notice. But being able to acknowledge it’s not healthy and it’s not just me has made it easier to accept and work on. Right now, I’m focused on finding myself again, getting back into the things I love doing, and focusing on my health and wellness because whatever has been slowly consuming me for months now (and much more than it had previously) is just not working anymore.
